A loveless marriage vs. an unloved child

Today a 'sort of' co-worker asked me how I liked married life.  I told him it was great (neglecting to tell him about the little argument Mr Fix It and I got into this morning before I left for work).  Now don't get me wrong, what is great about *my* marriage is that within 15 minutes of that little spat, Mr Fix It had humbled himself to see my side of the story and why I was frustrated and we had calmed down and lovingly kissed each other goodbye.

But what made me sad was the next thing this co-worker said after he asked me the question.  He said "Yeah, you know."  So I knew there was hesitation there and I asked him what he meant. 

He responded by saying this: "Well, it's just hard to keep the love alive in a marriage when you have kids to take care of and work and you're tired at the end of the day.  My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years now and it's just...I don't know."

The way he said it made me so sad.  It made me feel like he found no joy or pleasure or happiness in his marriage...at least not today.  I answered back by saying, "Yes, I know what you mean.  Mr Fix It and I have only been married for 7 months now and I already feel like we have a lot of mundane days.  When you work all day and are trying to keep up a house, a pet and kids, it's just really important that you work hard to keep romance in your relationship.  You have to be very 'intentional' about each other and trying to surprise one another."

I went on to tell him how different married life is from dating someone because when you're dating, you put everything else out of your mind when you are out with the other person because you know that is *your* time together.  But married life is seeing each other day in and day out...paying bills and cleaning and all that unromantic stuff.  He said that's exactly what it is.

Ladies, many of you are either newly married or soon to be married.  And at 38 years old after having spent 6 years with Mr Fix It before we married and moved in, I can tell you that marriage is WORK.  Relationships are work.  There's no getting around it.  Whether it's with your boss, your mom, your sibling or your husband/wife...you have to work to be respectful of each other, to please each other, to comfort one another and to keep the spice in your life. 

What truly makes me mad though is how easy it is for people to just walk away from marriages nowadays.  We take divorce so casually or we decide to just live with someone without 'putting a ring on it.'  That way, we always have an 'out' if we need it*.

Well, guess what?  I don't have an out when it comes to my daughter, Little Miss anymore than I have an out with Mr Fix It in our marriage.  We would *NEVER* talk about our children the way we talk about our spouses.  We would never say it's hard to 'keep the love alive' for our son or daughter.  We make just as much of a choice (if you want to even call it that) to love our child as we do to love our spouse.  Could you imagine a mother telling her daughter "You know, I just feel like there is nothing between us anymore.  I mean I'll always love you, but I'm just not *IN* love with you anymore.  I think it's best we just part ways"?

We would think all sorts of unpleasant thoughts about that mother.  Unfortunately, parents do indeed abandon their child.  Our world is full of unloved children.  But a loveless marriage is just as ridiculous as an unloved child for those of us who profess to be somewhat healthy and responsible.  As much as Little Miss frustrates the holy heck out of me sometimes, I would absolutely NEVER imagine waking up one day and not feeling pure, unconditional love for her even if she felt like she couldn't stand me. 

So why do we think it's okay to let ourselves 'feel' like we don't have the marriage we once did or want anymore?  I'm telling you now, ladies and gents, if you want a romantic, passionate, loving relationship filled with all the joy and happiness that you felt on your wedding day or in your courting days, then you better be prepared to have mundane, boring, frustrating days with that person that you will not be able to get away from.  Because marriage is indeed work.  I have to forcibly remind myself to walk into the house and go give Mr Fix It a kiss before I pick up all the crap he and Little Miss left all over the place.  And even then, after a day at work, I'd much prefer to just grab a bag of Cheetos and plop down in front of the tv than have a conversation with Mr Fix It.

But last week, as it was a super chilly night, while Little Miss was away at her father's house, Mr Fix It and I started a fire, made some root beer floats, turned the soft rock radio channel on our television and just snuggled up with our new puppy on our sofa sitting in the dimly lit living room.  We didn't make love that night and we didn't watch tv.  We just sat and listened to the music and talked about whatever came to our minds. 

And in the morning when we woke up, Mr Fix It hugged me and said "I had so much fun with you last night just doing nothing.  We need to do that more often."  And it reminded me all over again that while our lives may sometimes be boring or busy, our marriage will always have love as long as we remember to value each other as a family member that we cannot get away from. 

An infant who cannot offer you anything in the way of reciprocated affection, entertainment or conversation and is quite possibly just demanding of your time as their parent would never be unloved any more than your spouse/significant other should be once you have chosen to commit to them as their one and only. 

*Let me clarify that I do believe there are times when divorce is unavoidable (abuse, etc).  I am referring to those who simply say they 'have lost that lovin' feeling' without any rhyme or reason or real effort.
Blessings to you all and I hope you are excited about the upcoming holiday season.

Wed Recap: The most important recap

Why is this the most important recap?  Because next to the dress, it has to do with the one thing the bride will have on her almost the entire day - her bouquet!  That little beloved beauty typically means a lot to most brides.  But it also coincides with another huge aspect of your decor and style for the day - all the florals...whether silk or real, they are a huge part of most weddings.  So this the recap of all of my amazing florals and the lessons I learned going through this process of selecting, designing, and most importantly carrying or wearing the florals on my wedding day.  Before I start with the info, I just wanted to post the only photo I have of my florist on the wedding day since she was just so incredibly amazing!  She was super affordable, super creative, super accommodating and nice and super stealth like!  On the day of the wedding, she was in and out setting everything up, dropping off bouquets and then off for the day. 

As a matter of fact, I didn't even get to thank her on the day of the wedding.  So my first tip begins there:

TIP # 1:  Be sure to ask your florist to personally deliver your bouquet(s) to you on the day of the wedding.  That way he/she gets to see your reaction (hopefully a good one) and you get to thank her/him in person.  This is Allison of Flower Allie...USE HER if you are in the So Cal area!  You will not be disappointed.

*  My bouquet
          Consisted of dark reds and burgundys:  Black Magic Roses, Red Tulips, Mokara orchids, Burgundy Cymbidium orchids, Burgundy Dahlias, Small spray and red roses.  It held up really well.

By Yan Freedline

I gave my florist a small blue brooch to add to the bouquet as my something blue which was Mr Fix It's mother's brooch.  She passed away when she was only 49 so this was very special to me to incorporate.

I did *NOT* want any greens or berries in my bouquet.  I was adamant about that.  And I wanted a very different type of ribbon wrap...Allison said another local florist uses this wrap all the time.  I loved the way the ivory ribbon was all gathered around the bottom of the bouquet. 

TIP #2:  Allison asked me to bring her some of the fabric from my wedding gown after my seamstress had hemmed it.  She was going to use it to create the ribbon wrap.  Unfortunately I forgot to bring it to her but this is a great tip for fellow brides.

TIP #3:  Be sure to discuss the height and weight and shape of your bouquet with your florist.  For as thorough as I was, I didn't think about these issues when we were discussing the bouquet.  As much as I loved this bouquet on the wedding day, it was honestly just way too damn heavy!  I mean, look at it in this photo - it covers almost my entire torso from waist to the top of my bust!  (Note that this was totally not Allison's fault...something I should have considered when we just kept adding flowers to the arrangement!)

And check out these two photos...look at my arms and how I am straining to hold the bouquet up...you don't want to have to feel this way all day long during your wedding, ladies...so please take this into consideration!

I also wish it would have been 'rounder' in shape instead of longer vertically.  I didn't really think about this until I saw the second bouquet that Allison made for me to use in our post wedding shoot.  It was a rounder bouquet which I really loved...it sits better on your dress for photos like these:

By Rachel Garcia

But the weight thing is most important.  My bouquet was so heavy that, I wanted to put it down throughout the day.  As soon as I got to the top of the altar, you see me handing it to my sister.  Now the MOH will usually hold the bride's bouquet as well as her own during the ceremony and then hand it back to the bride just before she returns back down the aisle.  Or sometimes, the MOH will hand it to the bridesmaid next to her so she can fix the bride's train while she is on the altar.  But for me, as soon as I handed my bouquet off to my sister, I told her to set it on the ground next to her because it was just way too freaking heavy for her to hold during the entire ceremony! :)

*  Bridesmaid Bouquets
          Consisted of:  Red Tulips, Green Hydrangea, Burgundy Dahlias, Black Magic Roses, Green Bear Grass, Green Jade Roses.

Originally I wanted my BM bouquets to be mostly blue hydrangea along with a couple jade green and black magic roses.  But after sharing the basic style I wanted with my florist, I let her finish it off.  The main thing I told her was the type of flowers I wanted and the fact that I wanted the bear grass weaved in and around the bouquets.  I love the way she finished them off.  She urged me to get away from the blue flowers and instead go for the blue ribbon wrap and then stick to more red and greens.  I told her as long as they didn't remind me of Christmas bouquets or colors, I'd be happy.  She didn't let me down.  I loved the spring feel of the Jade Green roses and Green Hydrangea.

By Yan Freedline

You can see my blue brooch on my bouquet really well in this photo

TIP #4:  Listen to your florist!  If you hired them, it's probably because you liked their work.  So trust their experience.  I originally wanted my BM bouquets to have the same type of ribbon wrap as my bouquet.  But Allison called me a day or two before the wedding and said she was concerned that the wrap was too much with the green bear grass that was sticking out of the bouquets.  The bear grass was more important to me than the ribbon wrap, so I told her I trusted her to make it look 'right.'

*  Wrist corsages for the mothers
          Consisted of:  One single white gardenia flower

I did not want to do the pin on corsage for the moms and I wasn't super excited about the little tussy mussy or small spray bouquets for them to carry either.  I had seen a few magazine pics of a single bloom on a wrist and told Allison that a pure white flower would be perfect to complement their dresses and colors.

Overall, I loved the idea and they were really pretty.  Unfortunately, this was one of the only things I was a little disappointed about regarding the florals.  My mother's flower fell off of her bracelet as soon as we were done taking the formal photos before the ceremony and my mother in law's gardenia was browning at the tips before the ceremony as well.  I think that was partly just because gardenia's are a very delicate flower that don't hold up as well.

TIP #5:  If you go with this idea, ask your florist how they are going to secure wrist corsages and be sure to use sturdy flowers - not delicate or easily wilted ones.  Though I loved the idea, I wasn't super excited about the little plastic pearl type bracelet that they came on.  I think I would have preferred a simple ribbon tied around their wrist.  Another little detail I didn't think of.

*  Boutonnieres
          Groom's consisted of one single Burgundy Cymbidium bloom.  It was horrible!  It did not last at all.  Within less than an hour it was wilting and falling apart.  But it was his own fault...my florist and I didn't like that flower for a bout at all but even after showing Mr Fix It a gardenia and a gerbera daisy, he insited on using the cymbidium orchid.

The Groomsmen bouts consisted of small green orchids tied to a metallic blue wire with a few green berries. 

I actually really liked these.  Unfortunately, my photographer did a horrible job of getting shots of all the different floral elements.  So I had to take other photos and crop them to zoom in on these type of things. 

I think the only thing I would have changed was maybe only using 2 blooms instead of 3 and spreading them out just a bit so they were more distinctive.

Ring Bearer's bouts consisted of a single green kermit mum (also called a mini mum I think) with a metallic blue wire wrapped around it.  It was perfect for the little boys tuxes.

TIP #6:  Be sure to ask your florist to 1) stick around to assist with attaching the bouts to your wedding party and 2) leave you extra pins to attach bouts.  Somehow, one of our ring bearers didn't show up until well after we started photos so when it came time to put his bout on him all of the pins had been taken.  I believe there were only enough for each individual bout and someone grabbed an extra one.  (We didn't need our florist to stick around because our DOC helped the guys get their bouts on)

*  Flower Girl Wand & Wreath
          I gave my flower girl the option of carrying a wand bouquet or carrying a bucket of petals to toss and she opted for the wand which I actually wanted anyway.  :)  I sent my florist like 2 photos of some wands I had seen on blogs or in mags and told her to just incorporate the wedding colors.  I really didn't give her any other direction and she came up with this adorable little wand with the turqouise ribbons streaming off all on her own.  You can see it consists of a few of the same flowers from the other bouquets.

I also wanted a wreath for my FG.  Again, I didn't give her much direction other than to incorporate the same colors and flowers.  This is one of my fave pics of my FG with her mom (my cousin) during our ceremony. 

As you can see by this pic which shows the back of the FG's wreath, it didn't go all the way around her head but rather had a ribbon to tie it in the back so it fit a little better.  And somehow my florist managed to match the ribbon color perfectly to the gown and the other ribbons.

*  Ring Bearer Pillow
          Consisted of tons of mini kermit mums tied with a ribbon around it to hold the 'rings.'  Of course, my florist attached fake rings to the pillow...I didn't even need to ask her (which I forgot to do).  She just showed up on the day of the wedding with the pillow and fake rings attached.

Again, my photog did not get one single shot of this thing on it's own and so I had to zoom in on it from another photo.  Best I could do...sorry, Allison :(  And I didn't even see the pillow once all day long on our wedding day either which irritated me more that he didn't get a good shot of it :(

TIP #7:  Get creative with things like your RB pillow.  It doesn't have to be traditional.  I loved the idea of creating our pillow out of nothing but florals.  It was unique and matched with the colors and other florals of the RB's bouts and such perfectly!
*  Ceremony
          I wanted to keep the ceremony decor minimal since the main reason I picked this venue is because of the beautiful flowers and trees that already line the grounds.  Some people still go crazy at our venue with their ceremony flowers but this was the least of my budget focus.  As such, I opted NOT to put anything on the arch above our heads at the altar. 

I still wanted our aisle to be done up and we didn't have any type of a runner.  So instead, I found a pic on a web site that I shared with my florist.  We took a single dark red (burgundy?) gerbera daisy and tied it with ribbon in turquoise color to the end of each row of chairs. 

For the altar arrangements and the end of the aisle, we used a tall spray of dark red tulips on the top of a tall vase with a few submerged tulips inside.  To bring in the turquoise color, Allison added a simple blue ribbon at the top of the vase.  This also served nicely to hide the floralyte that was attached inside the top of each vase to help light up the vases during the reception. 

TIP #8:  We used 4 of our tall arrangements from the reception area to decorate the ceremony area.  As soon as the ceremony was over, our DOC and her team carried the 4 arrangements back up to the reception area and placed them on the tables.  Since the guests hadn't entered the dining room yet, no one knew any different and we saved money not having to pay for additional arrangements for the ceremony.

For the aisle I also loved some images I found of a deep gutter of dark red petals lined with a few sporatically placed green spider mums.  This was a great way to bring in more of the spring green accent color in our wedding decor and to help make the gutter of petals a bit more unique and bright.

Here's another pic I love of the tall arrangements at the end of the aisle.  My florist 'loaned' us all of the vases and the red boxes that we used for the ceremony area free of charge.  Rather than having to pay a rental fee, she allowed us to use them with the understanding that our DOC would tear everything down at the end of the night and return all of the florist's vases to her shop the next day.  This also saved us from having to pay an extra delivery fee!

TIP #9:  Try to see if you can hire vendors who work with each other so that you can take advantage of discounted services between them.  Since our DOC knew and worked with our florist on other weddings, the florist offset our costs by having the DOC help with returning the vases and such.

Here is the finished product.  This is the best shot I have of the entire thing set up and it was taken by my cousin.

By Amber Marquez

This is another photo I love because it shows the huge flowers that were part of the venue's grounds.  We specifically chose the month of April to get married in because we knew that all the flowers and leaves would be in bloom and the So Cal weather would be perfect - not too cold and not too hot!

A great angle of the venue's flowers

*  Memorial Table
          Consisted of a personalized vase engraved with the names of our loved ones who had passed on.  I had our florist keep with the main 'tulip' theme by using tulips in this vase but in a white color for the memorial.  This was the only place (besides the mom's wrist corsages) that I used white florals of any kind.

*  Cocktail Tables
          Again, I wanted to keep this part of the decor extremely simple!  You can make a bold and unique statement with very minimal florals...believe me.  And besides, as you can see in this photo behind the brown tables and lounge chairs, the venue itself already offered a pool lined with lots of in bloom florals in our cocktail area.

For the lounge tables, we had a vase filled with submerged mochara orchids and a floating candle at the top.  Very simple and pretty way to bring in the red colored florals.

By Yan Freedline

For the seated and standing tables in the cocktail area, we didn't want to clutter the tables since I was hoping the guests would be filling out guest book pages and eating :)  So we opted for a very small square vase with submerged red gems (same as the inside reception centerpieces) and a single spider mum bloom in them.  This again carried in the green spider mums from the ceremony and I loved how the little pop of spring green accents meshed with the main wedding colors of cranberry red and turquoise linens.

A close up of the cocktail table centerpieces:

*  Reception Tables
          Everyone questioned my decision to use turquoise with cranberry red as our wedding colors.  Mr Fix It thought that it would look like the 4th of July with red, white and blue and my mother was concerned it was just too bright.  But when our guests walked into our reception dining room, they adored the colors and details and florals just as much as I did.  And Mr Fix It and Mom gave me a huge stamp of approval and loved it!

We alternated the dinner tables with high and 'low' arrangements to help offset the cost....and because I really did not want to have the exact same centerpiece on every single one of our 20 tables!

The low centerpieces really weren't low but rather were more simple with just 4-6 single tulips submerged in a taller rectangular vase.  To keep it from being 'too simple' we placed 2 or 3 small votive type vases around them with a single burgundy dahlia bloom in them.  I loved this!  And the guests thought it was very unique to have submerged florals.  Sorry that my photographer took all these photos before the caterer and DOC had set up the reception room so you're going to see tables without being fully set up with glassware, silverware, candles, etc :(

This was the tall centerpiece.  It was about 3 dozen tulips sprayed out of a tall vase.  We wanted to be sure not to block the guests view of each other while trying to chat across the table...a very important concern.  We also carried in the submerged tulips from the alternate tables by submerging 3 tulips in each of the tall arrangements.

Here is the one and only shot I have of our entire room all set up for the reception.  It was thankfully captured by my videographer's wife!  It's still day light outside and we didn't enter this room until after it was just about dark so it's not quite the same effect...but you get the idea.

By Yan Freedline

For our sweetheart table, we needed to keep it very simple.  We sat on the dance floor and then as soon as dinner was finished, had them tear down our table to make room for dancing.  I didn't give our florist any real direction on this at all.  She just placed a few of the kermit mums around the table along with some votives and some spider mums, roses and dahlias as we had on the other cocktail and reception tables.  I loved it. 

And to finish all this up, here is a little 'inspiration board' style recap I put together using Shutterly Studio to showcase many of the florals from our big day.

I always give huge props to those brides who make their own flowers and set up their own decor using silk or real florals.  No way was I going to worry about that stuff on the day before or during our wedding....and frankly I just don't have that talent! 

Our flowers took up about 7% of our total budget and were relatively inexpensive.  Most brides have no idea how expensive flowers are when they first start planning a wedding.  Allison of Flower Allie prides herself on being able to do most weddings for under $3,000 which ours definitely was!  Allison was amazing to work with and she kept telling me how people are going to think I spent $100,000.00 on our wedding!  And a lot of them probably did think that!  To me it wasn't anything over the top, just a lot of thoughts and ideas and things I liked and wanted to incorporate that my ever so amazing florist brought together in a well thought out cohesive plan which was professionally executed. 
Share Time:  How important were the florals to you in your wedding planning process?  What part of your budget did you allow for florals?  Did you make them yourself? 
Some additional WEDDING TIPS: 

1)  For boutonnieres, corsages, etc that have a single flower that may be something delicate or that does not hold up well under weather and time, ask the florist to give you a discount and create a duplicate 'back up' copy of these so that if one is destroyed or dies, you have a second on reserve in a vase or fridge somewhere to change into later during the day.

2)  A really good florist should definitely include an opportunity for you to see a full fledged mockup of your centerpiece idea BEFORE your wedding day.  This should be included in your contract and will provide you the opportunity to make revisions based on sizes, colors and costs.

3)  Just because it's your wedding does *NOT* mean you need to have a white bouquet or white florals.  I personally love white florals but I did not use them anywhere in my wedding decor other than the memorial vase.  I really prefer a bouquet of some color against a bride's white gown...but that's just my personal preference.  My sister actually had a red and green bouquet at her wedding and then used all white bouquets for the bridesmaids against their chocolate brown dresses.  It was beautiful!

Unless otherwise indicated, all photos by Robert Mullins Photography

The biggest let down from our wedding: Need your advice

It has taken me a while to write this post.  And I honestly don't even know where to start.  Just thinking about sharing my frustrations and disappointment right now is making me nauseous and sad.  But I figure the best thing to do is to try to get it out honestly and then take it to you wonderful ladies and fellow brides-to-be or recently marrieds to tell me if I am off my rocker or not. 

So, I have had my professional photos back from my photographer for over a week now.  I shared a little sneak peek of the ones my photog posted on his blog here about 12 days ago.  The unfortunate thing is, I feel like the sneak peek he shared was the best of what we were going to get.  I received over 1000 photos from my photographer (something he repeatedly told me on the wedding day is 'way more than he usually takes at a wedding').  This surprises me because my sister got like 1300 pics from her wedding day and her photographer was there for three or four hours LESS than I booked mine!

Before, I start my reasons for my dismay, I'll share these photos from our photog with you.  I want to save a lot of them for my recaps (even though I feel like I don't have nearly what I was expecting to be able to share with you), but I'll give you a few to view for now:

Remember, that these are the *best* shots I have of our 'formal portrait' session.  This is the best shot I have of me with the ring bearers and flower girl. 

These aren't that bad, right?  Well, check this out...here is one of my favorite pictures of the day:

Notice anything wrong with this photo?  How about the fact that Mr Fix It's tie is hanging over his arm?  Um, shouldn't a photographer be looking for things like that in a photo?  Yeah, maybe it slips past them once in a while, right?  So I'll let it go for now.  But what about this?

I made these little DIY signs to take our photo to use on our thank you cards...look at the few that he got of us holding them:

Here's the best shot he got of us holding these:

I love this photo, but notice that in BOTH of these, my sign is covering Mr Fix It's sign.  The bottom shot, which is the best one, is pretty far away, too for me to be able to use it on a Thank You card...you can barely see the words unless I crop it in real tight.  :(

I have been in a few weddings over the past years, and in today's digital age, you see photographers constantly looking back over their image they just shot in their LCD screen to see if they got the shot.  Shouldn't he have noticed that the fact that we are taking a pic holding signs means he should make sure the signs are visible in his shots?!?

Two weeks before our wedding, I sent my photographer the following slideshow I created.  Almost all of these photos are from other weddings at our venue (Rancho Las Lomas).  We paid BIG BIG bucks for this venue specifically because of it's beauty, unique grounds (a zoo!) and the huge amount of photo opportunities and locations it offered. 

I did get some shots from some of these locations for sure.  But there are a TON of shots that I didn't get.  That is what I am most disappointed about.  For example, he didn't get a shot of me and Mr Fix It standing next to each other displaying our shoes!  The bright red ones I was so excited about.  He did get some shoe shots that were cool, like these:

He also got 30 shots of my dress along with another 8 shots of my shoes.  Yep, 40 shots of just my dress and shoes hanging.  That sounds cool.  Except for one little thing...I only received 17 photos of our entire family! 

I have a sister (who's married with 2 kids), my mom, my dad, his wife and of course my daughter, Little Miss as my immediate family.  Mr Fix It has 4 siblings (all married) and with 7 children between them plus his parents.  Out of an immediate family of 25 people, I have a TOTAL of only 17 pictures of us with the family.  What irritates me more than anything is that I do not have one single shot of me, my daughter and Mr Fix It together on our wedding day.  The only photo I have with the three of us in it, is this one with my mom, dad and sister in it:

How can a photographer who photographs weddings for a living and has been doing it for YEARS, NOT realize that he didn't get a shot of the bride and groom with their (my) children!?!  On top of that, I have no individual shots of me and my mom or me and my dad with me!  The ONLY photo I have from my entire wedding day with me and my mom is the picture above of us with the family.  How is that possible?

At my sister's wedding, we had like 10+ shots of the bride with each individual bridesmaid, our mom, our dad, even my Aunt who was just hanging out while we were shooting got into a few pics with just her and the bride!  We had enough pics of the ring bearer and flower girl to create a mini photo album of the two kids (our cousins) for their parents!  I have not even a handful of pics of me with the flower girl, ring bearers and bride and groom. 

See that cute little shot of the couple sitting on the bench swing in the slideshow?  Well, we sat on that bench with my bouquet sitting next to me and Mr Fix It standing behind me.  You can see it at the very end of the video trailer I shared last week.  Well, you know what the only TWO shots I received from our photographer were of this location?  Mr Fix It sucking on my neck!  And you can't even see my bouquet or the fact that I am sitting on the bench swing!

And here is the best shot we got of us on the balcony.  The rest of the 10 or so pics he gave us are of us totally laughing and goofing off...though funny, nothing that could be blown up to be a gorgeous keepsake or portrait.  And though I know you can zoom in on photos to get a 'closer' shot, look at how far away we are in this!

Here's another example of my disappointment.  He only took a handful of photos of me with each of my individual bridesmaids and of Mr Fix It with his individual groomsmen.  Here's some shots of Mr Fix It with the groomsmen:

Is there ever a time when a guy looks good sitting in a tuxedo or suit?  Look at how wrinkled they look!  And how do you get any type of personality or fun/cool poses while sitting on a ledge?  Look at how Mr Fix It's shoulder is up in his ear in this one with his brother!

I don't even want to know what's going on in Groomsmen J's pants in this shot below!

The only photo he got of my groom standing with a groomsmen during this little shoot with each of the guys was this one with his brother in which Mr Fix It is not even smiling:

He did the same thing with us ladies...he had me sitting on a ledge in my beautiful gown to take photos with each of my maids.  I don't know why it didn't don on me to say something at the time!

This shot I do love but it was actually taken by his assistant, NOT our photographer!  And it is the only one we have inside the quaint little cafe with all the little tables and windows.  One shot!  That's it!

If you know me at all, you know I have been all about the details of this wedding.  I was aching for photos of the flowers, the guest book, the escort cards, the table numbers, the centerpieces and tables all set up.  My photographer once mentioned that he is 'a details guy' and I told him that was good because I wanted pictures of everything I had worked on for 16 months.  Especially because I did not get to see most of it all set up on the wedding day.  What upsets me the most are all of the pictures he did *NOT* get...some I mentioned above, but here is a list of many more pictures I did not get from our wedding day:

*  A photo of my bouquet all by itself (showing off the brooch that belonged to Mr Fix It's mother).  This is the *only* photo I got which showcases my bouquet by itself (notice my flower girl running through the background)

*  A shot of the memorial table.  I did not see the memorial table the entire day!  It had 2 vases on it (one with a floating candle, one with white tulips) that were engraved with the names of Mr Fix It's mother and my grandparents and Aunt.  It also had votive candles on it and a digital frame scrolling with photos of our loved ones.  Finally, it had a poem on the table commemorating our love for those relatives.  Here are the only two photos I got of the table/items:

(This tulip bouquet is on a reception table as the memorial table wasn't set up yet)

Now why in the heck would you take a photo of a frame on a table that did not even have the linen on it yet?  Why would you not come back to this table once it was set up? 

*  He also did not get any pictures of the reception tables all set up.  Rather, he took photos of items on the tables as they were being set out.  So there is not one shot of an entire table set up with the linens, favors, centerpieces, glassware, table numbers, etc.  The shot I got of my escort card table, which I envisioned like this:

This is what I got (after half the guests had hit the table and the sun had pretty much set):

*  Apart from all of the bridal party and family photos I feel were totally lacking (or missing!), I don't feel he was able to 'direct' us much through the photos we took of me and my groom and the family and bridal party.  Most of our photos he would direct us by telling us to 'look stoic' or to 'play with his ear.'  How is that good direction to get emotions of love, joy, laughter, romance, etc out of someone?  When I would ask him in our meetings how he got a certain shot, he would tell me "I don't give away my secrets."  What secrets?!?

I had many meetings with him and showed him many photos of the style and shots and locations I wanted.  He said I had an eye for 'good photography' and he was excited to work with me.  His website and his albums in his office resembled what I wanted.  So I don't know what went wrong on the wedding day.  My cousin (Bridesmaid A) told me that she repeatedly would tell him that he needed to get a shot of the escort card table or the bouquets or the bridal party and he would put her off.  She said he and his assistant were referring to her as the 'trouble maker' because she was interrupting them. 

Mr Fix It repeatedly told him that we needed to get out of the ceremony area and go take photos in some of the other locations on the property.  I have no pictures of us on the beautiful bridges, or near the coy pond, or the animals, or on the walkways or in the orange orchard or near the fountains...none of those locations!  We wanted a shot with this antique car:

But we didn't get it...even though we were standing 5 yards from it at one point!

My photographer asked me during the family photos "Are you absolutely sure I got all of the photos you want before I dismiss your family?"  I told him "I guess so."  Looking back, why the hell was he asking *ME* (the bride) if I got all the photos I wanted?!?  It's my wedding day!  I am paying YOU to get all the photos I told you I wanted so that I don't have to think about it on this day! 

I had given him the slide show and showed him photos from my sister's wedding.  I had filled out a short form that had a few 'must have' shots...like one of Mr Fix It with ALL of the men on his side of the family.  Yeah, he didn't take that shot.  :( 

I am now kicking myself that I didn't make a specific list of locations, poses, and people that I absolutely must have from our photographer.  I didn't want to 'restrict' him or bind him to looking down at a list, but I realize now what a mistake this was to not have this part planned out more specifically.  I thought we were on the same page, I thought some shots (like one of the bride and her mother) were obvious shots that any wedding photographer would know to get.  Apparently not.

So now here is my dilemma...what do I do about it?  I have discussed it with family and Mr Fix It.  I have talked to the other photographer, Jordana Hazel of Hazelnut Photography who was the runner up to my photographer selection.   There is nothing I can do about all the shots we didn't get with our family.  But the shots of me and Mr Fix It, the ones around the venue, I *CAN* do something about those. 

I have made arrangements with our venue, my hair stylist and my dry cleaners to go back to the property in our wedding attire for free (or with discounts - to have my dress cleaned again), and take a 'day after' shoot around the grounds.   Mr Fix It has reluctantly agreed because he knows how sad I am about all this.  But he said the only way that he will agree to it, is if we can get our photographer to give us a refund to cover having Jordana shoot the second photo session.  Mr Fix It says I should be thankful we have an amazing video showing most of what our photographer missed.  (I am waiting for it to arrive any day now.)  My mom and others have said I should ask our photographer to go back and take more photos free of charge.  But Mr Fix It and I don't feel like we would be very comfortable with him because of our frustrations right now.

Do I go ahead and try to contact my photog to let him know how disappointed I am and point out all of these issues?  Do I go ahead and plan to do another shoot in my gown and a suit for Mr Fix It and go more artsy and get those cool shots?  Or do I mourn the loss of what I don't have, be happy with what I do have and let it go as a lesson learned?

Has the wedding industry and blogland jaded me into being overly critical of my photographer and therefore holding him to unrealistic demands and work?  Or am I justified in my frustration and disappointment? I know that lighting can often affect where you shoot and if time runs out, you can't hit all the locations you want.  I know that people don't pay attention and are uncooperative and not models and so with those uncontrollable variables you can't always have a guarantee on gorgeous, artsy photos.  But shouldn't my photographer have said "Hey, we are running out of time or I don't have the light, so I need to know what your top priorities are for shots and locations?"  He didn't do any of that. 

What are your thoughts girls?  Help me out!  Give me back my sanity because I have been fighting back the tears and mulling over this trying to see it rationally for over a week now!

TODAY'S WEDDING TIP:  If there are specific locations, poses or people that you absolutely want to capture in photos on your wedding day, be sure to make a list of these (with samples if possible) and give them to your photographer clearly communicating the importance of these shots.  Don't worry if they are offended or feel like you are telling them how to do your job...this is what you are paying them for!