Ever feel like you're going to end up like her?!?
I have been engaged for about 14 months now. And the wedding is 56 days away!!! But for 14 months, I have literally been planning, preparing, deciding, organizing, choosing, DIY'ing, ordering, assembling, eating, sleeping and breathing my (our) wedding! I have had about 2 (maybe 3) wedding nightmares, nothing major...just things going wrong like the reception not being set up correctly or things getting left behind at home. Nothing unusual or to worry about.
I have actually loved being engaged and planning my wedding. I wouldn't change the length of my engagement for anything...it has been a relaxing, smooth, easy process. Now of course in the final stretch, I am getting caught up with all the thoughts of all that must be done still. Trying to keep my head on straight and stay on top of the to-do lists and such. However, the past month or two, I have suddenly felt a huge amount of...well, something I can't put my finger on.
When people ask if I am excited about the wedding, I say "Of course." And I am. However, when I bring up that it's getting to be a little overwhelming, the first word out of their mouth is that I'm 'stressed.'
I lovingly inform them that I am truly not stressed out about the wedding or all that is left to do. I know that a lot of brides feel that way at the very end. They rush to get things done and feel they've taken on too much. They start throwing ideas and things out the window that they planned to do or incorporate for lack of time or patience to follow through with their dreams. But not me, I already have the 200 favor boxes assembled and wrapped in their pretty bow with the tags on them. I already have just about every purchase for our wedding day done and packed away in my house except for the candy favors. Alterations are well under way and the RSVP's have been rolling in. And I left myself plenty of time to call guests who forget to respond so I can still get the caterer the final numbers without feeling...well, stressed!
But what I am feeling...UGH! I hate it. As I mentioned way back here I am prone to fainting spells, light headedness, dizziness, and just overall feelings of nausea. And that's what I've been feeling lately when I start to think about the wedding sometimes. It's not *THE* wedding I'm worried about. I think it's more the pressure of impressing everyone attending. Or the fear of knowing all eyes will be on me. Funny thing is, I am so *NOT* an introverted type person who doesn't like being in the spotlight. Granted, I'm not a show off or a center of the stage type of gal either. But I have always loved teaching people, talking to people, basically being up at the front of a class or on the stage of an auditorium sharing lessons or life experiences, etc. So you'd think that this wedding thing should be a piece of cake for me.
So why the hell do I get so freaking anxious sometimes? It's even gotten to the point where I went to my physician two weeks ago and asked him to prescribe me sleeping pills and Xanax 'just in case' I can't sleep the night before our wedding or I start to freak out come wedding day. I have no intention of using them but knowing they are at my disposal is almost comforting.
So what is it I am feeling? Merriam Webster defines stress as:
A physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension.
And MW defines anxiety as:
An abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.
I definitely don't worry about things like whether we'll run out of food or if the flowers will arrive on time or if anyone will get embarassingly drunk. I have most of the planning done and though I am a little overwhelmed and concerned that we may not get me and my daughter moved into Mr Fix It's house in the easy timeline we have set for ourselves pre-wedding, that is something we can always do/finish when we get back from the honeymoon if necessary. I am not feeling fear about getting married or wondering if I am making the right choice...I have no cold feet or doubts about me and Mr Fix It.
So what is it? Am I anxious? Am I stressed? Or am I just feeling the normal things all brides feel at some point in their wedding process? What are your thoughts? Or what feelings have you been struggling with in working up to the big day?
I should mention that I do not feel this way all the time. It's just brief moments that come up out of nowhere.