Friday, February 12, 2010

How to handle a groom who'd rather have gone to Vegas

Let me preface this by saying, I again, am so sorry for not having been around the blogosphere enough to visit all my fellow bloggers' sites and post comments.  I truly enjoy reading them all but this past month or two has been so crazy at work and things are really gearing up with the wedding just over two months away now!  That said, I have caught back up at work to be able to catch up on all of your lovely sites so thanks for your patience in sticking it out with me and not fully abandoning my place of 'thoughts.'  :)

So it happened again last night:  We were out to dinner with my mom, daughter, her dad, his mom and his sister celebrating Little Miss's birthday.  And then my daughter's Aunt asked Mr Fix It if he is getting excited about the wedding.  And you know what his response was?  "Well, I've already been through this before.  So I'm really only doing this for her.  I would have been totally happy just going to Vegas to get married."

So here is my open letter to Mr Fix It (which I guess doesn't really make it an open letter?)  :D

Dear Mr Fix It:

Can I just start off by saying UGH! ???  I get've been married twice before.  And you would have preferred to have saved the thousands of dollars this wedding is costing us (read: ME) to put towards a house (which would be a second house, since you already have one!).  I get that you think I'm being anal, and obsessive and 'a freak' about all the details and things I would like to have at our wedding to celebrate our love and shower our guests with. 

I get that you think our wedding colors look like the 4th of July theme.  I understand you think it is silly to have things like lighted luminary table numbers with pictures of us in them and you're getting flack from your lame fellow surfer friends and brothers because I put stamps on the invitations that had our picture on them.  I have totally come to terms with the fact that you will never sit down to help me stuff favor boxes, wrap bows, or assemble invitations.  I could barely drag your ass to register for gifts that would benefit you!

I fully understand that you have had a sucky, unexpected year financially, physically and emotionally.  So I have not once made any comments about the fact that you want to 'wing it' on our honeymoon and not book any hotels for our two week stay in Brisbane, Australia and Bali, Indonesia.  And I don't expect to be surprised by any high end five star resort type stay when we get there either.  Not that I am complaining...I am fully amenable to your idea of letting the wind lead us to adventure and trusting that as my new husband, you will definitely find a way to provide a room for me to lay my head down on a pillow that won't be infested with mosquitoes or cockroaches the size of the neighbor's kitten! 

I gave in to the fact that we had to switch our tuxes for the fathers and ring bearers to older versions than the groomsmen will wear to try to cut down on the costs that *your* family and friends were griping about!  Nevermind the fact that I already gave up our house to them so they have somewhere to sleep on *OUR* wedding night. 

I am thrilled to death when you (on rare occasions) make mention of something or some idea you actually *like* that I have come up with for our wedding.  Unlike you, who constantly tells me that your friends or family think I am going overboard on our wedding (which is funny since your sister and sister-in-laws have told me how excited they are for the big day and how amazing they know it'll be), *MY* friends and family consistently send me e-mails, texts, phone messages, etc telling me that they are so excited to share in our big day and know it will be amazing.

So could you please do me a favor the next time someone asks if you are getting excited for the big day and just fake it?!?  Just tell them yes, we can't wait.  Just appease me to show that you have some sense of the joy, love, emotion and memories that I am envisioning will kick off the rest of our amazing lives together.  And that while trivial and unnecessary, the details and ideas and vendors that I am planning and booking all help bring together our family and friends in a once in a lifetime event that I personally have been waiting 37 freaking years to plan and participate in!

So would it kill you to pretend like you don't think this is all a complete waste of time and money?  Thanks so much.  I love you.

Born to be Mrs. Beever

PS  I should say that I really wasn't all that upset when he made the comment last night.  I just said to him and my daughter's Aunt that 'even though he has been through this before, he's never been through it with me nor has he ever done it the amazing way that we are planning on doing it.'  To which he of course agreed and said he knows that the guests are going to totally enjoy it and that it will be a great day.  Now, why couldn't he have led with that?


My Dream Ring said...

Oh honey I know where you are coming from...they can just completely tune themselves out toward the end.

PartyPlannerGal said...

You are completely justified in your feelings. That said, it seems like he is just being "a man." My fiance has not been married before, but often says things like, "I'm looking forward to the day of the wedding," or "I'm looking forward to being married." Bottom line - men tend not to be as detail-oriented as women, so a year of planning details isn't (most of) their thing. Though I can't complain too much since my fiance is willing to help with DIY projects. Hang in there - he was probably just trying to be funny. Your letter made me smile, though :)

Patience said...

I would flip my shit if L said this to my family. In the beginning he used to act like he didn't know where our cruise was going or the dates and I politely informed him how big of an ass it makes him look like, as if he doesn't know where and when we are getting married. Your rant is justified, I don't know that I would have been so calm about it.

very married said...

haha - we went to vegas on our honeymoon and saw some people that getting married there. we would pretend that that's what we did and how much happier we would have been but my husband confided that there's no way a Vegas wedding was for him. I bet Mr. Fix it is the same way :) also, last time i checked our flag wasn't Red, White and Teal ;) xoxo

ps. i left you something on my blog!

All you need is love... said...

haha omg! I totally agree with the letter. I mean, I can understand how he has been thru this, and he is doing it again to make you happy... but does he have to blurt that out to everyone. It would make me feel like what I was doing was silly

thehickbride said...

I think I shall print this off and hand it to FH and go, I know you've never been married before, but this is generally how I feel. So funny!

PS I left you a blog award on my blog!

SG said...

I totally get how you feel. Kristian hasn't been married before but if it were up to him we would save our/my money and just elope. We're having the wedding b/c it's what I want and everytime he says something to that affect it's all I can do not to slap him.

However I will say that recently he's gotten more excited about things and has offered to help me with the DIY stuff. So that's good.

I'm sure once the day arrive Mr. Fix It will love everything you've done and will really appreciate all your hard work.

Sarah Ann said...

It took me forever to get my husband to start wanting to help me plan. And even still I have to push him to do everything because there is just too little time for me to wait for him to finally get around to it.
Oh, and his family drives me nuts too. They don't complain or anything but at first it felt like his mom and aunt were going to plan everything themselves without even asking me if I wanted the things that they were talking about! I don't want the huge tiered cake. Its not me and it won't fit our day. They loved to tell Nick that it was "my day" so he was just an "accessory" which is funny, not offensive at all, but if it's MY day then why are THEY trying to plan it all? So annoying.

Chocolate Lover said...

Aahh men. Gotta love em, and gotta give them a slap upside the head every few months! while he did fix it it kind of in the end, you're right, why couldn't he start of that way. I love this letter by the way! I think many a bride to be will benefit from printing it out and giving it to their fiances!

Kristy said...

all i can say is good for you for not letting his attitude affect your vision - because when the day comes, and when all of the guests have left - he will be thanking you for working so hard to make it such a perfect day for the both of you and hopefully apologize:)

Anonymous said...

Okay. I understand. You are doing all this work. You feel hurt. He shouldn't show such disinterest, especially in front of other people.

But it sounds like you are picking things he doesn't like. Of course he isn't going to be excited about the things you are picking if he has already told you he doesnt like them (and this on top of the fact that he doesn't want to have the wedding and he is having a hard year financially and you are spending a lot of YOUR money that maybe he thinks should be YOUR money as a couple?). Could you try picking things you both like for the rest of the wedding process?

Born to be Mrs. Beever said...

Anonymous: It's not that I'm picking things he doesn't like. It's that he's totally disinterested and doesn't *care*. He has not suggestions or ideas to offer up but just wants to cut down anything I spend time working on or thinking up trying to please *him*! And as far as the financial part. He had a hard year financially, yes, but that doesn't mean he hasn't spent his money on things he feels are worth it for him - like gambling and trips. I get where you're coming from and what it might sound like. But the truth is, he just complains about everything now and then like several of the ladies suggested above, he will say that everything was great once he starts getting all the praises come wedding day. My frustration comes from the fact that he chooses when something is worth it or when it's not based on how he's feeling at that moment or whether it's a priority to him.

Mrs T said...

Man I would smack Mr B in the head if he said that!! I understand that it's his third wedding - but it's your FIRST and of course you want an amazing day with all your family and friends. And an excited groom. I am sure he was just being a man and not thinking before he spoke. You will look so stunning coming down that aisle, he will have a FANTASTIC day and wonder why he wasn't as excited as he should have been in the lead up.

Once again I am totally team Stacey on this issue.

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